Running together can improve marital satisfaction, experts say
Chris and Jane Spiteri are on the run together. The Ottawa couple have different paces and different philosophies. Still, those who run together — and fundraise together — stay together.
The Spiteris are both 47, the parents of four children between the ages of nine and 14.
Jane, a woman “from a long line of marathon-chasers,” has always preferred walking or running to taking the bus. About four years ago, when the couple’s youngest children, twins Patrick and Nick, were five years old and in school, she started to run for real.
“It was just something to do,” she says. “I didn’t need a membership.”
Before long, Jane was running 10Ks and half-marathons, then worked her way up to a marathon. On one occasion, Chris was alongside her on his bike, taking pictures.
For Chris, the moment of truth came about 18 months ago when a friend came into his office and informed Chris that he had put on a little weight. It was time to lace up the running shoes.
“The real impetus came when I signed up for the 10K and it was all sold out,” he says. “Jane said ’That’s good. You’re not ready.’ “
The pair ran in the Army Run half-marathon last fall in Ottawa. But it was the Disney Princess half marathon in Orlando in February that was the big revelation. Jane was prepared for that one. Chris, not so much.
“The last two miles were really, really hard,” he says. “One of the coaches said: If you don’t finish, then you’ll have to hear ’I told you so.’” The quip was enough to spur him to the finish line.
“It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.”
There are a number of benefits to running together, whether it’s as a couple, as parent and child or just as friends. In the United Kingdom, a study by Cancer Research UK found that almost two-thirds of couples spend no time exercising as a pair and less than a third feel challenged in their relationship. So, to remedy the situation, the charity devised a new campaign in 2008 aimed at encouraging 50,000 people to pair up and go running together.
There has been little research on the subject. But running together provides motivation and companionship for couples and “companionate” activities in general are believed to improve marital satisfaction.
And for the running partners, running sparks a chemical bonding processes, says Dr. Frank Young, a clinical and sports psychologist in Calgary.
“After a run, you have runner’s high, which is fed by all the neurochemicals in your brain,” he says. “When people get together after a workout, they bond to the group.”
For couples, it does good things, both for the relationships and for health of the entire family.
“It sets up a precedent,” says Young. “Eventually, they engage the whole family. It can last for generations.”
It’s important to keep the tension of competition out of a running relationship for couples, he says.
Both members of the couple should acknowledge there is a difference in skill levels and adjust their expectations.
“Competing with a partner is OK to sharpen your skills. But if it becomes the main point, it becomes corrosive,” he says.
“It’s a Zen notion that acceptance is one of the keys to happiness.”
Chris would be the first to say that Jane is the better runner of the two, diligent, disciplined and, yes, faster.
Yet Jane points out that Chris’ slower pace is a good strategy for long runs.
“Up until he ran that race at Disney, he would not run with me for a number of reasons. He thinks he’s too slow, although I tell him the point of the big run is to be slow,” says Jane, who also runs by herself or with her teammates from Team in Training’s Ottawa chapter, which raises money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society of Canada. In the past year, she has been in a half marathon in the Bahamas in January, the Nike half marathon in San Francisco last October, as well as the Prince Edward County half marathon. She ran a full marathon in Ottawa last May.
Last weekend, she ran the Around the Bay 30-kilometre run in Hamilton, and plans to run the Bluenose half marathon in Nova Scotia, the Ottawa half marathon in October and the Nike half marathon in San Francisco again.
It’s not always easy to take time to run, says Jane. The twins are now nine and the Spiteris’ daughters Victoria and Rebecca, are 14 and 12 respectively. “It’s hard on the weekends because of the kids’ activities. They all go in different directions.”
All of the Spiteri children, along with the staff of 13 at Chris’s law firm will be running the 5k at Ottawa Race Weekend. Chris and Jane will be running the half marathon.
Chris estimates he has lost 10 to 15 pounds and three inches from his waistline. He has also found that running has strengthened his bond with his son Patrick, who rides alongside on his bicycle while Chris trains and the pair engage in long philosophical conversations about the characters in Star Wars.
“It’s a kind of lifestyle change when you start walking this road,” he says. “When we travel, we look for a hotel with a gym.”
Running has also expended their social circle, not so much from running itself, but because of the fundraising and the event planning. The Spiteris’ help plan fundraising baseball tournaments and pub nights. Jane estimates that she and her three Team in Training teammates have raised close to $40,000 in the past 18 months, while she has raised about $12,000.
“When I train for a marathon, I’ll be out for three hours. Running is a selfish thing. But when I’m running with the team, I’m also raising money,” she says.
“Kids want to see you active and fit and doing something for the community.”
“They’re proud of Jane,” says Chris.
“They’re glad I don’t roll through the halls anymore.”
Marathon marriage
An Australian couple, who have run 54 marathons together, have written a book about how the sport has been vital to their relationship
Australians Sue and Andrew O’Brien ran eight marathons side-by-side on eight countries in eight weeks, including one in Calgary, then they wrote a 2008 book about it.
Sue was a fitness expert who has represented Australia twice at world triathlon competitions. Andrew, a businessman, met Sue in his 30s when he was attempting a lifestyle makeover.
They have since run 54 marathons together and are celebrating Sue’s 50th birthday by running the Paris marathon on April 10. Couple on the Run chronicled the principles they developed for running with a partner, and how those principles spill over into their everyday lives. The pair are now corporate consultants and speakers.
There are many benefits of running and exercising together, says Sue. Among them: quality time together without phones, e-mail, TV, social media or iPods. When they’re training their conversations might range from work issues to family matters, topics for their blog, current events and their dreams for their future.
“Since we started running together all our important decisions have been made following a running conversation.”
They are also both doing something they really want to do, and it gives them a commitment to shared success. “By using our collective talents we overcome challenges. We go further together.”
Last, but not least, they stay fit together. “We motivate and encourage each other. We stay fit for life.”
The Ottawa Citizen asked the O’Briens about the benefits and pitfalls of running together.
Q: In what ways has running together strengthened your relationship?
A: When we ran our first marathon together, at mile 15, Sue suggested Andrew go on alone. We stayed together and finished hand in hand. It was a defining moment as we discovered by sticking together we could overcome the challenges of life and shared success was more satisfying than individual success.
Q: Would the benefits be any different if the activity you shared as a couple were something different, like volunteering, for example, or taking university courses together?
A: Many of the benefits of running together can be achieved by other shared activities including volunteerwork, courses of study, home renovation, travel, gardening and so on. Distraction-free time to talk to each other about a wide range of issues including your relationship is vital. If all you talk about is the content of your hobby or interest, you may find that is all you share. Running has two added advantages: It keeps you both fit which helps avoid illness, gives you energy for other activities and increases your chances of a better quality of life. And research shows after approximately 30 minutes exercise we tend to be better at problem solving, creative thinking and communicating.
We suggest walking as a good alternative to running. (Two times 30 minutes on weekdays and two times one hour on the weekend is a recommended minimum fitness walking time)
Q: Can you run and have a meaningful conversation at the same time?
A: One of the big benefits from running with a partner is the opportunity to have a quality conversation. For many people -our experience shows even more so for men — it is easier to have a meaningful conversation while running than sitting in the lounge room, office or coffee shop. We have seen scientific research that explains why this occurs.
This does not mean you should talk all the time and it is a matter of personal choice. Before you start running with a partner, talk about whether you want to talk or stay silent. Plan conversations in advance. If you must run with music, agree on ratio of music to conversation and silence. You can still enjoy the benefits of meditation and thinking alone while running with your partner.
Q: What is the best thing that ever happened to you both as a running couple?
A: Being able to encourage others to improve their fitness, exercise with a partner and enhance their relationships is the absolute best thing that has happened to us as a running couple.
From a pure running perspective, making friends all around the world and completing our first Comrades Marathon (89 km in South Africa) are among the best things that have happened.
Q: What has been the hardest thing about running together?
A: The hardest thing is when one of you is injured or ill during a marathon or ultra-marathon. For the injured partner there is a terrible feeling of letting the other one down as you are unable to run at your normal speed. The feeling is just as bad for the healthy runner who worries about their partner, has limited options for helping and can understand what the partner is going through.
Q: On average, how much time do you spend each day running?
A: We try to run together four times per week. This comprises three 45 to 60-minute sessions and one 120- to 150-minute long run.
The long run and at least one of the other sessions is at the pace where we can maintain a conversation. The other sessions may involve hills and speed and we tend to talk less, or not much at all. Most weeks we do two or three indoor cycle classes and a Pilates class together. Sue teaches, Andrew participates.
Q: Do you foresee a time in your future when you will have to shift gears and do something a little less physically demanding? What would it be?
A: We work hard to run injury-free and to be able to run for many years to come. We incorporate short walk breaks on our long runs, use massage and pay attention to recovery to prolong our running. We walk two or three hours most weeks and, if we could no longer run, then walking, gym and cycling activities would become the focus of our activities.
As we do more writing, speaking and work together we are enjoying sharing the work. We have replaced the big challenges associated with running 80 to 100 km in a day with spreading the word about the benefits of exercising with a partner. Running is easier in our humble opinion.
Couple on the Run is available via Amazon.com as a book and ebook.
7 steps to take you to a marathon together
One of the big benefits from running with a partner is the opportunity to have a quality conversation.
A large amount of training is at the speed where you can maintain a conversation and this is always the case for a long run and an easy or recovery run.
Here are Andrew and Sue O’Brien’s seven steps to success in running with a partner:
1. Decide you want to make it work. Training and finishing all events together, side-by-side, is non-negotiable for us.
2. Select an approach to running together. We train and run events together, but this is only one approach. Others train together, but race alone; do some shared training, like warm ups, but race alone; and train at the same time and place, but travel to events together and race alone. Encouraging each other can even be done online.
3. Connect vision, goals and action. Our vision is to stay fit and healthy by running together for as long as we can. Each year we set running goals based on the events we want to complete. We agree on our month-to-month and weekly training.
4. Determine ground rules. Our key rules are: to finish together, stay within three metres of each other, encourage each other, share problems, use run time for conversation and reflection, have fun and encourage others. In our not-to do list: no false commitments, racing ahead or wandering off, failing to use the ground rules, ignoring, blaming, criticizing or not listening to each other.
5. Agree on a training plan. We plan several months in advance and make minor adjustments for family, work and fitness requirements. Long runs are our priority each week and we schedule social and family activities around our long run.
6. Keep a shared diary. Run, exercise, food, sleep and other training gets recorded. The diary is great for the discipline of doing and also for learning.
7. Review and learn. We constantly ask ourselves what happened, what was meant to happen, why and how can we improve. A real bonus is these questions help us in all aspects of our relationship, not just running.
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